I wanted to take a minute on a day that means a bit to me to reflect, I hope this helps someone somewhere or even just helps the people I love to understand me just a little bit more.
These past two years have been an absolute roller coaster ride for me, ups and downs that would send anyone freaking crazy.
It all started on 22 March 2014, this was my last day working at an amazing job at Queensland Parliament.
That night my boss asked me to collect some drawers that she beautifully bestowed upon me, only problem was that my boyfriend at the time didn't want to collect them for me. To be honest, this was probably the last straw for me. This was my day, my day to mourn my amazing job with the most beautiful people, but he made it about him. See, he had also lost his job that day, and he was in a mood and he decided not to come and help me move these drawers to my house. I called him and calmly said that he should've told me earlier so I could organise my Dad to pick up the drawers. He decided to finally come and help me and acted so rudely to the staff at Parliament which I'm honestly so embarrassed about and gave me to most horrible looks while loading the furniture into his ute. As he got into his car I asked if he wanted to go and eat, because I wanted to talk to him about what was going on (this was probably after a weekend of him acting like he was single, partying, ignoring me, controlling what I did, ect). He drove off and I went to my car to follow him. Thats kind of when things got worse.
He had called me five times before I could get to my car because he wanted me to talk him through how to navigate out of the building and home, and because I didn't answer him on time when I did call he was violently yelling at me. Um, excuse me, this is my day, my day for people to be soft, caring and understanding that I'm emotional. Don't be an ass. Apparently that wasn't an option. I helped him navigate to where he needed to go and decided where to meet him.
I then got on the phone to my gorgeous Mum and started balling my eyes out. 'I'm done, Mum' I remember saying. She was so worried, but also calm. I started explaining the situation to her and she understood exactly what I was feeling and why I decided to leave the relationship. While this was happening, I got about 28 missed calls from him. I didn't know where he was but I could tell things were going to get pretty bad. I decided to call him back, he was yelling again, telling me off for ignoring his calls, even though I explained I was talking to my mum, he wasn't happy, he told me he wasn't going home but he was going to leave the stuff on the side of the road and I would have to deal with it, I'm guessing he didn't want to go to my house and face my parents. Turned out he was parked at a local shopping centre and he still had my stuff in his car.
When I met him at the shops I was an absolute mess, I was so confused as to why he was treating me like this, I started to get angry and just asking what the HECK he was doing to me?! He shoved me, then proceeded to pack my car with the furniture. I somehow convinced him to just drive the big stuff to outside my house and drive off. Great. No more asshole business.
That didn't last two minutes.
He literally drove 100 meters and stopped on the side of the road. I was on the phone to my Mum already and remember putting it on speaker so she could hear what was going on, I was honestly petrified. He started putting all my stuff out on the footpath, while yelling and swearing at me and the just drove off.
While that was over, it ended nearly two years of controlling, and abusive behaviour that completely changed who I was. He controlled what I did, who I saw, if I went to Church. He was emotionally, socially and spiritually abusive. I honestly wish I had left so much earlier, but like a lot of people like him, he made every promise to change which usually lasted about two weeks max.
It turns out he was addicted to Ice. He ended up dealing it and wound up in prison.
I turned to God and made an appointment with my councillor the next day.
I felt on top of the world. I felt like a weight had been lifted and I was no longer being dragged back. I WAS ABLE TO MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS AND PLANS! I left my phone at home when I went out because I enjoyed the peace that much. I honestly give all praise to God because I know that I wouldn't have been able to do that without the strength his presence gave me.
So lets call that exhibit A and B in the case of loosing mah damn marbles.
Exhibit C and D would be two losses in the family.
E ) would be when I was hit by a cyclist when crossing the road leaving work, which happened in July 2014. I fractured my skull, ruptured my ear drum and suffered some pretty terrible whiplash. I was off work for a couple of months recovering.
F ) I started a new job, working in events. I really wasn't being challenged by the work I was doing, probably also not coping on the inside but partying too much on the outside to care about everything. I went out partying with my friends one night, my now beautiful man came to pick me up, he was a learner driver and I was in the front seat, obliterated. We got pulled over for a breath test but instead of testing him they tested me because I was the supervisor driver of the car. #fail. I ended up arrested. WHAT THE HECK CLAIR!! Uhhh so turns out that was all thrown out and I'm off scotch free but that wasn't a fun process. So hence exhibit F.
G ) I got a promotion. I was working on a high pressure event which had to be delivered within 9 or 12 weeks I think. Oh my word. Everything hit me. The stress, my boss who was a total bitch (only to me), the work load.. I crumbled. Everything hit me at once. I had a full blown mental breakdown. I was at the Drs trying to work out what to do. I wasn't sleeping. I was either eating really terribly or nothing at all, it was either cake and caramel sauce or nothing. Great decision Clair. Oh, also our contracts were cut.
H ) I BROKE MY DAMN LEG!! OH MY WORD! Can a girl get a freaking break.
I ) I started seeing an amazing man, I got freaked out about committing and broke it off. Good one Clair. (spoiler alert, we got back together, GEEZ HE'S HAWT!)
J ) I put on 20 KGs. I really love my body no matter what size it is, I just liked it a whole lot more when I was healthier.
So I think thats the end of that. I found it really hard to find a job, as you would probably understand, I wanted something stress free so I could just get in, make some dollars to support my shopping habit and go home, but it seems I'm too over qualified for anything mindless. When I was knocked back for job after job, I prayed about it and decided to make my path a little more fun and creative. I'm studying a Diploma of Screen and Media makeup and I flipping love it.
*See below hair and makeup by me! Yas Queen!
I honestly have had the hardest couple of years. I wouldn't be anywhere without the people I love and treasure. I really truly want to thank all my Family and Friends. I honestly apologise for not being very present and being a bit flakey. Anyone with depression will understand but some days I literally can't get out of bed. And those days I usually spend most of the time crying, about absolutely nothing and absolutely everything. But that's all I can physically do that day. It is getting a lot better, but there are some days that I can't face a crowd of people, so for my mental sake I choose to stay home.
To my boyfriend, besties, family and followers..
I'm sorry if I forget our conversations, but I now suffer from memory loss.
I'm sorry If I don't call you back or respond to your texts, I'm trying to but probably not coping.
I'm sorry if I'm rude, I probably didn't sleep.
I'm sorry if I seem selfish, I've realised that I need to think of myself now, after years of putting other people first.
I'm so sorry that I don't post as much as I used to, when my other priorities have settled, I'll be back at it.
I promise I'm still the happy, caring, funny person I always was and always portray online, just today I'm a little more honest than I normally am.
Lets end this on a bright note.. haha!
What I do to help get myself through:
1. Pray - give over my concerns and worries to God
2. Consider if the decision I'm going to make is going to be good for my mental health later
3. Surround myself with the best people and cut the others out of your life
4. Go easy on myself when I'm having a hard day, it's ok to stay in bed if thats all you can do
5. Love myself, grow in love with my self more every day
If you're going through a difficult time in your life, please seek help, I went to weekly counseling appointments for around 8 months and it helped me so much. You can message me if you need to but these are some awesome organisations that can help you.
Happy 22nd of March. I know this one is better than one I've seen before.